A Vampire's curiosity
The other day at work, I was chugging down obscene amounts of coffee and fatuously typing up a presentation with the Ipod cranked up to indecipherable levels (a valuable way that keeps me awake while also giving a direct message to office mates that I am NOT to be bothered, and to passersby NOT to come in for a visit). Behold I see a blinking light on my office phone, indicating a personal call, so I pulled out my ear phones and picked up the phone:
"Aloooh! Minoo? CD?" gasped a raspy voice that I immediately recognized to be Vampire's. Just exactly what I wanted to hear...
CD: (unenthusiastically) Halla Khalti Vampire.
Vampire: haaw CD ishloonich? 3ayazt wana adig 3alaich!
CD: khair khalti?
Vampire: Abad wallah. A7awel a7a9il ummich bas madri wainhi.
CD: ok I'll tell her to call you.
Vampire: ma7ad yisheel telefoonkum bil bait, wil mobile malha mughlaq.
CD: ok...
Vampire: il mobile laish mughlaq?
CD: wallah madri
Vampire: 3almeeni, ummich bil kuwait?
No class whatsoever. At least try to conceal your nosiness. I absolutely hate telling people about my family's travelling habits, call it a presumptiously vain fear of the evil 3ain or an unjustified superstition, but bottom line, its not anybody's business.
CD: la2, moo bil kuwait.
Vampire: imsaafraah?
CD: Eee!
Vampire: (her voice firing up) wain ra7at!
CD: X country
Vampire: Eee 3eshtaaaaaaw! wiya mino ba3ad?
CD: wiya ubooy.
Vampire: shi6aaary, yejadedooon shahr il 3asal!
I took a deep breath and silently debated whether this old hag deserved my respect. I decided that she didn't, but 3alashan umi I won't be too obnoxious:
CD: heheh Khalti, law ma3arfich, chan gilt 3anich mi7tarah!
Vampire: la bil 3aks. 3alaihum bil 3afya. Khal yistansown.
CD: I'll tell her to call you inshallah (wanting to end the conversation).
Vampire: Enzain, intay imkhaleeenich bil bait ibroo7ich?
I can almost see her flared nostrils fuming away, her wrinkled fingers gripping onto the phone, her intense eyes wide open, anxiously waiting for my answer; as though whatever it is I'm about to utter will feed her need, her oxygen, her purpose in life: to discover other people's social imperfections and highlight them in public gatherings -an excellent opportunity to paint her image as the quintessential queen of propriety and sana3, while elevating her own personal ego in the process.
I totally see it: her sitting at her usual spot, entertaining guests with catered finger foods and uniformed philipanas, her face soaked in Chanel foundation after drowning it the night before in Obaji, the efforts of which are still not effective in concealing the streaming wrinkles on her saggy cheekbones and crinkled forehead. The lips, emphasized in rich red lipstick, spewing tales on how 'some' families are too 'liberated', or how some daughters are too 'independent'. And if someone happens to comment that so and so's daughter had just recently lost weight and is looking brilliant, Vampire will immediately step up to the plate to add that the girl has an eating disorder, and is currently seeking psychiatric help in London.
But one thing you can always count on Vampire is her abilty to entertain. Her cackling voice and Kuwaiti style wit brings life and color to any social gathering, and for that reason alone the women of kuwaiti society are addicted to her company. Her popularity amonsgt them is disturbing testament to soceity's superficial appreciation for exaggerated entertainment on the back of morality.
So I was not about to feed this old hag's need to find what she thinks is an atrocious shortcoming of my family's, and one that she would use to elevate her own fake sense of propriety, so I'm damn well gonna lie:
CD: La ya khalti, ana moo ibroo7y bil bait. Ana ga3da ib bait Grandmother.
Vampire: laa? EE zain itsaween. Moo 7ilwa tig3ideen ibnaya ibroo7ich bil bait.
CD: 9ajja. A9lan yitheeq khulgy.
Vampire: Eee wallah, il wa7id ma yigdar yig3ad ibroo7ah. El mohim, intay diggay 3ala umich, ow gooleelaha itkalimny
CD: laish, fee shay tharoory?
Vampire: la, bas ba3arif akhbarha.
LIKE HELL I WILL.
CD: Inshallah.
posted by Closet Diva @ 13.4.06
9 comments
9 Comments:
oh 3endena o 3endikom khair.
been there done that and i got your back... i never say the truth to those women ..i'm always sorry khalty i will let my mother know...but im at school now and i have a class :)
na7sha o ma takheth ely tabeeh til my mother come.. and on the exact first hour for my mom in the house she calles!!
sometimes i think they work for kuna or FBI :)
Mashallah CD, your writing blows me away *standing ovation* You hit the nail on the head.
JA
eee hal ashkaal ma yin3a6oon wayh.
erz,
Coming from you, miss lady, its a great compliment :D
Bravo, CD . I must say, you have a lot more courage than I to stand up to her and fight against her tactics. (I would have just feigned static and shut off the phone: Krrr--- shorry khalti-- sheee-- i am at work-- krshshshshsh--- phone is--- shhhh--- can't hear--- krshhhh *CLICK*).
Even if you are a saint, there are just some people who will STILL find something wrong with you and talk about you. Therefore, lying, cheating, and stealing, and all those other wonderful tactics are practically necessary for survival against these people: "All is fair...in war."
caff,
whats up girl! como estas?
In this country, an individual's private life is always everybody's business so you will generally find people to be very open about their nosiness as in they won't make a single effort in concealing it. What other choice do we have than to lie?
hug
I dont have a mother in law
CD, how dare she...ish-hal ligafah??
You should have replied "ee ga3dah ibroo7i....7'air fee shay?"
who cares what she thinks.
a3sab
lol! ana ma 3indy mushkillah to be honest but I don't want her to think she discovered a shortcoming and then it3aayir umi feeha aw itqi6 naqzaat.
Zin
heheh ee ehya ba3ad wayihaa 3areeth lazim a3arith wayhee ma3aha wa bayin laha eni moo ghasheema wini a3arif ishwaraa as2ilat-ha.
About travelling, I try to only tell people after the fact, and not mention anything before I embark on my trip. & I have known some very respectful people who would see me at the airport and would be so decent that they would wish me a pleasant journey without even inquiring me on where I was going. Hatha isana3 wallah!
yalla cd it time for another post
oh my god i can soo see this as a sitcom ! but with CD talking in her head! its fabulously fantastic and funny loved it to pieces ! excellent writing !
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