The 12 Step Plan

Somebody's Momma heard of my existence through anonymous sources, and decided to suggest me to the Son. The Son has no idea what I look like, never even heard about me till now, but is open enough to give me a shot (or maybe he likes to listen to Momma). I wish The Son could just sneak in at my place of work and see me quietly, without my knowledge, to save me from the horror, but no. Oh no. His Momma decides to come clean to Mother about The Son's interest to 'check me out' -with the preverbial 'no strings attached' clause. Parents are unsurprisingly ecstatic about the idea. So excited that instead of directing the Son to my office behind my back, they propose that we both meet, face to face, in a public place. This is the designed 12 step plan of stage one of the marriage program:

1-I make an appointment with the best hairstylist in town, I get a professional to do my make-up, I put on a pricy pastel colored outfit.
2-I get lectured briefly by Father. Then I get further coaching techniques from Mother, Auntie(s) and Grandmother.
3- I go to a restaurant with Mother and Auntie. We order drinks, salad, main course. Halfway through main course, Auntie makes "The Call".
4- Followed by "The Call" The Son appears with His Momma and join us at the table. We order dessert and coffee.
5-His Momma will study me with fierce scrutiny, and make a mental note on how I rank in the female scale of worthiness. The Son will be respectable enough not to stare so blatantly, but will nevertheless make his own valuations.
6- His Momma will interview me on my background, history, work, friendships in her most casual attempt to make conversation. Mother will do the same to the Son.
7-Mother will launch an advertisement campaign about my being to His Momma, highlighting that I speak X language(s), play X instrument(s) and that I can cook X dish(es). His Momma will backfire as she joins the advertising squad, pumped and fueled to indicate Son's special talents.
8-I will try not to feel akward about the sudden advertising aggression, and will throw in a few sentences as per Father's instructions, lest I begin to appear antisocial.
9-The Son will make akward jokes, probably for the same reason, and we will all pretend to find them funny.
10- I will quietly and seriously contemplate suicide. But I will order the check instead.
11-The Son will demonstrate his manhood and insist to pay. Mother will not allow it, shattering the illusion unwittingly.
12-We exchange flaccid handshakes, flash animated smiles, blurt insincere statements, and then flee to vehicles of assumed glory.

According to Auntie, arranged marriages are comin' back. According to Grandmother, it is about time. According to Mother, I'm not very young, and I'm also single. According to Father, 'opportunities' like this don't come by everyday. According to Me, THIS 12 STEP CRAP IS A CROCK OF BULLSHIT!

I'm not interested in such anguish.
But thank you for offering.