advice from matchmaker II

Dear child let me give you some advice. When a man is courting you during your engagement period, he is still testing you and your moral character. Do not be fooled by his sweet words and adulations. Do not be swayed if he recites you poetry and promises you the world. Show restraint. Be unmoved. And if he asks you to go out with him to dinner say NO without hesitation.

Last year, I suceeded in matching X couple. During their courting period, the man confided in me that he liked his fiance, but was concerned that she had studied and lived abroad and was hence very worried about her possible carefree character. He told me that his final test was to ask her for dinner, and if she accepts he will break it off.

I of course immediately panicked and decided to call her and find out in my own way how she would react. I told her casually that he wil be inviting her for dinner, and as expected, she was excited and utterly dazed. I decided it would be wise to inform her mother about his intentions. I knew her mother would take care of it.

So that night he went to her house as he usually does to rendezvous with her. She poured him coffee and served him cake. She paraded down the living room and dangled herself deliciously onto him. She batted her eyes and swayed her hips.

He asked her to dinner.

She said, "I would love to have dinner with you, but I feel it is inappropriate to go out with a man alone, as we are still strangers. Inshalla if we get married, we can do these things, but at this point I must respectfully decline your invitation".

My dear child I am telling you this because I want to open your eyes on the society we live in. The men may appear westernized in their lifestyle, they may have western education, but believe me they are all very eastern in their thinking when it comes to marriage. You must never disregard this. This is the society we live in. Play it right!

Advice from the matchmaker

You must honor your man. Put him on a pedestal, obey his wishes. You must take care of him, give him his needs and seek his approval in anything you wish to endeavor. Even if you have more wealth than him, you must empower him. A smart woman will give him the power.

A smart woman will keep her own wealth for herself and stand up for herself!

No child, no. Trust my grey hair, I have been through life. A smart woman understands her society and understands her position. A man can take up another wife, but a woman is locked in her matrimonial fate. A woman must fullfill her religious duty by making her man happy, comfortable and satisfied.

It is also a man's religious duty to make his woman happy, comfortable and satisfied. It is a two way street.

It is a man's duty to provide for his woman, and give her a home.

I don't need anyone to provide for me, I live a very comfortable life!

You must never show a man that you are independent. You must always make him feel that you need him. Dear child, I am a good reader of personalities and faces. My profession has enabled me to come across numerous personalities. I can read yours, I know that beneath your fiery passion, you are a sweet natured girl. I can help you uncover your sweetness.

(this is total bullshit, I can't believe I have to sit through this. She's supposed to match me up and collect her fee, so why is she providing me a psychological analysis/criticism of my personality?)

Dear child, there is a saying in french "Femme trop piteuse fait, sa famille teigneuse" which means that a pitful housewife makes a pitful household. Every woman in the world knows she must have a sweet personality for her husband. A woman must always hide her grievience. She must never speak of her problems and marriage secrets to anyone. She must never speak ill of her husband, not even to her family. Problems will come and go, but a good woman, a smart woman keeps her marital problems a secret.

The matchmaker will be there

Part I
Even though my Grandother never negotiated a hard business deal in her life, or found herself on a table debating a complicated topic, she can somehow very easily manipulate me with her piercing eyes and defeaning stoicism, and make me do things I innately disagree with and find completely ridiculous.. Within her family kingdom, she is a grand queen in her own right. Her presence commands the respect of the masses, her fiery personality intimidates the empowered, and her sharp wit bites and persecutes the effusive.
Her voice, though low, is vociferous and oozing with power, often spewing orders at me ever so nonchalantly. When she demands, I deliver. When she beckons, I come runnin. And I'll be damned if I don't immediatley drop everything and anything I am in the middle of, or disregard my own opinion/thoughts in whatever matter she officiates when I rush off to her calling.
So when she called me the other day and authoritatively said "CD, be at my house at 7:30 sharp. Um flan, the matchmaker, will be there!" there was no room for whats, buts and excuses. There was no opportunity to express outrage. There was no point in arguing that my own parents met through love, and people are now meeting through the internet, and that this is an antiquated anachronistic method of marriage that I have no interest in pursuing.
The simple fact of the matter is this: I am to robotically prim myself, get dressed, apply make-up and prepare for an evening of being thoroughly inspected, brutally evaluated and biasedly ranked in the marriage scale of worthiness -by a third-party broker culturally known as the matchmaker.

The matchmaker will be there, she says.

Just what exactly am I supposed to do? I wondered as I daintily applied my mascara in front of the mirror.
Am I supposed to impress her?
Do I advertise myself to her?
Do I recite my resume?
What qualities am I supposed to supress/highlight?
Do I conceal my raging and often looked down upon chicken nugget syndrome ?
My instincts tell me to be myself, and keep it real, but society tells me to wear another face, and conform.

Part II
I arrived at my Grandmothers domain, the aroma of overpriced bukhoor instantly filling my senses.

Sit there, she tells me, smile delicately, pour coffee, tea and serve sweets. Don't be too quiet, she is here to see you and get to know you, not to converse with me.

What do I talk to her about?

Don't talk about work, or career ambitions, or travelling by yourself.

hmmm (half-jokingly) how about the world cup?

NO! She's an old lady CD, sports is not an appropriate topic. But she speaks French.

Ahhh....I see. A high -class matchmaker!

Of course she is!! She matched X couple and Y couple last year, and she is well-read.

(umm..who are x and y couples, Grandma?) I guess we can talk about French, languages in general, and literature?

Yes, whatever. Go put some blush on your cheeks dear child, your face is awfully yellow.

Tribute to Art Deco

I don't know why Tamara De Lempicka's artwork has this mysterious effect on me that awakens the raging diva that silently resides within me.

The sizzling art deco flavor transports me to another time, another era, a world of passion, sensuality, scandal and glamour.

(I would post some of her provocative work, but I don't wish to risk having my website blocked.)

Politically incorrect table conversation

vocabulary word of the day:

Boorish

boorish: awkwardly ill-mannered


Remember my cockroach on crack ? Well, the more I get to know him, the more I realize that he is not really a cockroach on crack, but more of a boor on crack, who is always, unknowingly, saying the most inappropriate things . While I'm sure we've all committed our share of faux paus, and have clumsily uttered inappropriate statements only to bite our tongues and feel our shame, this guy continues to be artless in his behavior, and totally astounds me with his talent in being ungraceful uncultivated and completely boorish.

I was asked to accompany him on a business lunch with some Americans from San Francisco. During our lunch, one of the American guys launched into a lengthy monologue about a certain project. Usually, when I'm listening to a monologue while stuffing grape vine leaves down my throat, I'll be silent, nodd, maintain eye contact, and maybe occasionally affirm my interest in the conversation by uttering short sentences such as"oh really", "wow", "aah..I see", "ok". But the boor unwittingly dug fiercely into his plate of greasy gluttonous kebab, completly indifferent to the ongoing conversation, wolfed down his food ferociously without even looking up to the speaker, and uttered a continuous loud, and awkward "MMMMMMM" .
It was incredible!
With every deep annoying "MMMMMM" conjured from the back of his throat and out of his mouth, I couldn't help but wonder....is he really enjoying his meat that much, or does he think that resembling an orgasm is an appropriate way to participate in a conversation?
By the fourth "MMMMM", I was rightfully embarrassed, and seriously considered sending him a text message to alert him of his very inappropriate "mmmm" outbursts. Thank God at that moment he began to verbally participate in the conversation (hence discontinuing his "mmmmms") and switched the topic of discussion to a lighter, non-work related subject: domestic help in kuwait.
Of course, this is where our glorious boor decided that he should make a strong impression, and accordingly toss out this charming and completely graceful statement:
"every house in Kuwait has two or three servants, you know, to keep the wife quiet"
I nearly choked on my tabbouli salad when I heard "to keep the wife quiet". Instantly mortified, and rattled at his blatant misogyny, I hurriedly looked up at the table to check the facial expressions of our American guests. They all looked bewildered, and somewhat unsure if they should laugh, or just blink in horror. The female guest, on the other hand, looked straight at me, giving me that knowing glance that said "I am absolutely horrified your colleague just said to keep the wife quiet".
But the real grand outrageous moment that shook the table like an earthquake, and nearly induced cardio heart arrest to myself was when the boor decided to tell us about his experience at X hotel in X American city:
"It was terrible, I was staying at X hotel while they were having a gay lesbian conference. There were gays all around the hotel for the whole weekend, I couldn't even hang around the lobby"
In my head, I am screaming Noooooooooo, boor, nooooooooo! You don't express your homophobia to a bunch of liberals from california!! You just lacerated the very fabric of their democracy, their plights, and efforts of achieving equal rights for the homosexual community.
I was too embarrassed to even look at our guests' faces, but I certainly felt the loud heavy pregnant silence that descended upon us.
Nobody laughed.....
Nobody empathized. ....
Nobody said anything.....
The shock induced silence hovered around our table like a conjested stuffy cloud, and it lingered upon us awkwardly.